Resuscitation

Something nicer, something gentler - an exercise, if you will, in shaking images loose so that I can focus on other things.

It's been a while since I've been able to put words to "paper", it's funny the way this thing called life tests us.

I floated on the still surface of the vast ocean that silently slept in the timeless, endless, forgotten caverns of Xar.

Darkness surrounded me; darkness drifted through me.

My thoughts were slower than ice, slower than the birth and death of galaxies, slower than time...

Had it always been like this?

I couldn't answer my question, but it seemed a strange way to be; to be this being - this strange creature, floating breathless and motionless on this endless, sunless sea.

Aeons came and went yet I remained, changeless as the unchanging waters around me.

I stared upwards, remembering the dimly-recalled dream of moon and... stars.

A soft, brief whisper at the very edge of hearing.

I remembered clouds, trees... a party...

Silence reclaimed me; silence stretched unbroken around me, comforting and endless.

I drifted, a silent space in the greater silent space that embraced me.

But then - a change.

A droplet of water, falling from the invisible roof above, the first I could ever remember...

A gentle plink - soft as silk in the darkness.

And the infinitesimal ripples spread over me and around me, changing the world.

At first, the change was slight - a sense of presence elsewhere, a knowing that this present reality was somehow unreal.

Then - scorching, jagged colours seemed to hint at some alternate existence, concealed just beyond my field of view.

I became aware of a distant wailing siren, repetitive and invasive.

I was drawn towards it; compelled to seek for it. I did not know why.

Slow waves of inky water built around me in a swiftly-swelling gale, unsettling my body, shifting the limbs that I did not remember ever needing to move before now.

I took my first breath in this eternity of stasis.

And then I took another.

Cold seeped into me. My pulse - another thing I'd forgotten - began to thump harshly in my ears. I felt the coarse pressure of fabric enveloping me, the unaccustomed weight of bones, of muscles, of skin and flesh and blood...

Existence lurched, light pierced me...

And I began, softly, to cry.

"There you are," said a girl's voice. "There you are, we got you back. It's okay, it's okay, we got you back."

The world was swaying and creaking around me; strange things beeped and wailed beneath the siren's persistent, banshee wail.

A hand gripped mine; the skin as soft and warm as the fields of Heaven, the fingers strong where they curled around my own feeble claws.

"Abby?" said the voice. "Abby, my name is Nell. You're in an ambulance, we're taking you to A and E, okay pet? Don't stress, my mate Dave's driving fast as he can, we're just a few minutes... shit. Abby? Abby, sweetheart, I really need you to focus on my voice... Dave, she's crashing again, we need to get there now, give it some fucking welly!"

"Three minutes out, mate!"

But she had faded, and the world had faded with her, and I felt the waves of the vast sunless sea lapping around me once more.

This time, though - this time I fought with everything I had.

I clung to the idea of her, to the distant afterglow of her touch. I clung to the vaguely-sensed pressure of the restraining strap around my chest, I clung to the sense of hovering pain.

And I swam.

I swam on and on in the endless night, never breathing, never slacking, driven by a single-mindedness that would have terrified my waking self... until my clawing hands struck sand beneath me.

I heard doors opening and slamming; I felt the jostling of movement, and I dimly heard the garbled words that I guessed somehow related to me.

Distant noise, bright light - and her voice, soft as a whisper across the dying centuries...

"Abby, Abby... stay with me, angel..."

Everything faded - but now I was calm. I knew that I'd made it; I knew that, somehow, I would be okay.

I slept.

Something cold, hard and painful was in my arm. My chest hurt, my back hurt, everything hurt. I could not believe how much everything hurt. I couldn't speak at first, couldn't move much. My tongue felt too large for my mouth; my legs belonged to some other girl entirely. Something uncomfortable was... in me down there, something else cool and smooth pressed gently against my vaguely-sensed thigh. I tried to move my hand, whimpering, to discover what it was...

Another hand caught mine and gently restrained it.

"Leave that, my lovely," said a voice. "It's a catheter. Abigail, I'm Tammy, I'm a nurse. You're in the ICU; we've had you here for a few hours already. There's all sorts of stuff plugged into you, so be careful moving, okay?"

"Okay..." I whispered. "What..."

"You had a severe allergic reaction to something you ate. You passed out and hit your head, and you've been in and out for the past while. Do you remember anything at all?"

"Not... really. Think... was at... Kim's birthday party. Cake..."

"Well, you're here and we're on top of it, so you can relax, okay? Just rest a bit, alright?"

"Okay..."

I managed to open an eye and tried to focus on her, but my vision was blurrier than usual. I gave up and closed my eye again.

"Time... is it?" I whispered.

"It's three in the morning. I just came in to check on your vitals and I'm done with that now, so I'll dim the lights for you and you try to get a bit more rest, okay? Doctor will be around in the morning; don't worry, you're in good hands and you're going to be fine. If you need me, there's a pad by your right hand with a call button on it. Here," she added, nudging my hand so I could feel where to press. "There you go, see?"

"...kay."

There was nothing I could do; I was far too weak to even think of wanting to move, and everything hurt at some strange distance.

So I let go and faded back into my dreams.

I slept.

"Oh my God, Abby," Kim whispered through her tears. "Oh my God, don't you ever dare scare us like that again."

Grant stared down at me from next to her; he clasped her hand tightly in his. That was nice, I thought to myself. It was about time he'd manned up and worked up the courage...

"They say they think it was an allergic reaction," Kim added. "Why didn't you say!"

"Didn't know..." I answered. "Guess I've never...eaten whatever..."

"I feel so guilty, I should have just gone vanilla!" she wailed. She tried to lean forward to hold me, then realised she couldn't, and stood there awkwardly for a moment before she scrubbed at her eyes and sniffed.

Then she fumbled my right hand into hers and held it tightly, fiddling with my fingers in her decades-old way.

It felt nice, like it always did when she held my hand... but I'd felt a nicer hand; I just couldn't remember where or when right now.

"Sorry for spoiling... your birthday..." I managed.

"Yeah, you selfish bitch," she sniffed. "I'm never, ever going to forgive you for at least a week this time."

"Sorry..."

"No, shut up," she said, punctuating the words with a squeeze. "You're alive, that's all that matters to me. I'll have another birthday next year, I'll never ever be lucky enough to have another you."

I managed a smile for her. We'd been best friends since year two, and Kimberly was often the only bright thing in my life. She was twenty-five now. I'd be twenty-five in a month. We'd bonded over that, back when we were children...

Shit. My parents!

"Kim?" I gasped. "Kim, my mum and dad... they must be worried sick..."

"They are, you donkey. Do you honestly think I didn't call them! I called them earlier... hang on, here, let me..."

She dug in her bag and pulled out my battered iPhone. She helped me unlock it, and helped me dial my mum, and cradled the headset to my ear as my mum sobbed on the other side and I tried not to blub on this one.

And when we were done, she hung up for me and leaned forward to brush my fringe back from my eyes.

A nurse passed by. "Visiting time's over," she reminded us gently. "You can come back at five."

"Okay," Kim answered her. She turned back to me. "I've got your purse and glasses and everything else, okay? I'll bring them this evening, okay?"

"And we'll take you home when they let you out," Grant added. "No arguments, yeah?"

"No arguments," I whispered. "Thanks... for everything..."

"Get better and we're even," he said. "And if you ever do this again, I'll kill you myself, got it?"

Kim elbowed him; he pretended to yelp, then caught her hand in his once more.

"Deal," I agreed, managing a smile for them.

They were cute together; I was glad.

Kim leaned forward and kissed my brow again.

"I love you forever," she said. "Just rest up a bit, yes?"

"I will. I love you too."

"Sleep, okay? See you later."

Grant squeezed my hand; and they left me there.

I slept.

I felt a whole lot better about life in general once I was allowed to use the loo - even if one of the nurses had to station herself outside in case I conked over again. Kim brought me a charger, and my glasses, and I was able to catch up on several days worth of series on the slow NHS Wi-Fi while the shadows tracked across the ward's wall and floor. I also quickly worked out that it was Monday - I'd lost Sunday entirely in all the fun - and I sent an apologetic email to my boss explaining where I was and what had happened.

Beds around me filled and emptied; soon I felt like a long-timer, I took to judging each arrival and guessing how long they'd be present.

But the game dulled quickly, especially by late on Tuesday night.

I'd downloaded a Teach-Yourself-Go app; I'd been meaning to learn for years and it seemed as good a time as any. But my concentration wasn't there, I was finding the various rules inscrutable, and I was about to sack it in for the night when I glimpsed a flicker of green in my peripheral vision.

I looked up... and dropped my phone in surprise.

"Well, hello there," said the most stunning woman I'd ever seen in my life.

She crossed her arms and grinned down at me.

I stared up at her, at the heavenly blue eyes, at the straight, jet black hair pulled into the severe ponytail, at the faint freckles that dappled her perfect cheeks...

"You. I remember you!" I somehow managed to say at last. "Or at least... I think I do..."

"And I definitely remember you. I'm glad to see you're almost ready to check out of here," she said, eyes twinkling. "You gave me a bit of a scare, you know. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that."

"Was... did... was I..."

"You gave it a very good try, yes," she said, grin fading slightly. "But I'm very persistent. How are you feeling?"

"Sore. Tired. Spaced out. Um... sorry, I'm sure you told me this, but... who are you?"

She laughed, and her laugh sent little sparks of delight everywhere inside me.

"I'm Nell," she said. "And you're Abby. It's nice to meet you properly."

"Um... yeah," I said, as I suddenly remembered that all I had on was the paper-thin baby-blue hospital gown. I tugged my blankets up my legs for modesty, conscious that I was blushing fiercely. "Um... so... do you work here?"

"I'm stationed here, and I spend a lot of time riding up and down the lifts here, so yeah. I suppose I do technically work here," she said. She smiled. "But mostly I'm out there, playing at being a hero. Anyway, I just thought I'd pop in; I was up in ICU and Tams mentioned you'd likely be out tomorrow so I reckoned this would be the last chance I'd get to check in on you. Now I have, and now I know you're fine, so that's some nice positive closure for me. Take care of yourself and make sure you find out whatever it was that caused that Anaphylactic episode, yeah?"

"Wait!" I gasped as she turned away.

"Mm?"

I reached out, hand open, mutely begging.

She frowned at me... then sighed. She stepped closer, and took my hand in hers, and opened her mouth as if she were about to say something; but she clearly wasn't expecting me to raise the back of her palm and press it to my cheek.

"Oh," she said, her voice going strangely faint for a moment.

Her fingers were just as soft and warm as I remembered. They felt perfect in my hand.

I somehow managed to meet her gaze - and I gulped hard, swallowing the sudden ache in my throat.

"Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for... being there for me."

"I'm part of a great team," she answered, after a moment. "But I'm glad I could be there for you."

She hesitated, then reached up to gently boop my nose. I reluctantly let her hand go; she gave me a strange, lopsided smile.

"Be well, Abby," she added.

"Be safe... Nell," I answered.

She turned and took a couple of steps away, then paused and glanced back at me.

"See you around," she said.

"I really hope so," I said, stupidly.

Another, almost bittersweet smile... and she walked off towards the lifts.

I craned my neck, watching her until she vanished behind some screens. Then I slumped back, heart thumping, feeling lost and strangely alone.

And I hardly managed to sleep a wink that night; I was too busy thinking about her.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? I'm quite happy to stay here, we took the day off..."

Kim was mothering me, and as much as I appreciated it I reckoned Grant had other things he'd rather be doing, judging by the way he kept staring at her bum.

So I did my usual wing-girl thing and took one for the team.

"I'm sure the two of you have better things to do with your time than babysit me," I answered.

Kim flushed, Grant grinned at me - he knew I knew, and I knew he appreciated it.

"Yeah, I thought as much," I added with a smirk. "Christ, it took you two long enough."

"Be nice, Abby," Grant said.

"No. I'm ginger, nice isn't in my skill set," I said.

"Liar," Kim declared. "You are the nicest of all."

"And you're a spoilsport," I told her.

She fetched my duvet for me and helped me settle in on the couch.

"Are you sure..."

"Oh my God! Just fuck off already, will you? I'm fine, Kim. I promise I'm fine. I'm just a bit sore. I'll keep my phone with me and call if I start feeling strange. The antihistamines they gave me should be all I need, okay?"

She gave me a dubious look, then sighed.

"You really are the most stubborn and infuriating person I know," she declared.

"It's why you love me so much."

"I do question why, sometimes."

"Hah. Go enjoy the sun. I'll be fine. I'm going to walk to the library or something, and I'll ping you to let you know I'm fine. Right?"

"Okay then, little miss grumpy pants. See you later, yeah?"

"Later," I said, waving.

My door clicked closed. I yawned and stretched. My side still ached from where I'd apparently hit the table, and my temple was still tender from where I'd hit the floor despite James' desperate attempt to catch me. I had good friends, I thought to myself. They'd done the right thing, and I'd been... fortunate.

So utterly and inexplicably fortunate, given the alternatives.

I picked up one of the Epipens that the hospital pharmacy had dispensed to me and peered at the little clear window in its side. I fumbled the pamphlet open, read it, and then found and watched an instructional video on how to avoid impaling myself on it.

Then I spent an amusing couple of minutes feeling vaguely ill and sorry for myself before I shook it all off and slouched over to my little kitchenette.

I turned on my kettle and dug out a teabag from my sparse stash.

I wondered what the trigger for my emergency had been. It couldn't be nuts, I thought - I practically lived off peanut butter. Ditto for dairy, ditto for eggs. Something in the icing, maybe? It had tasted strange... new... I had an appointment at the allergy clinic; they'd already bumped me up the list because I'd had such a severe reaction. So I supposed that was something; at least I'd get an answer sooner rather than later.

My tea brewed.

I plonked my bum down on one of my two cheap stools and stared at the darkening liquid while my mind drifted to the weird, vaguely-remembered space I'd been when I'd been... well, wherever I'd been. In that deep, inky ocean, so far removed from light...

I shuddered.

And then my thoughts flitted onwards to Nell. I shifted on my seat, and enjoyed the little aching pang in my heart.

God, what a gorgeous woman. So completely different to my ususal type, but so very much my type. Shorter than me, fit rather than slender from what little her work clothes had hinted at...

I watched the gentle whorls of steam that rose from my cup.

I thought about her hair. Her hands. Her voice. And oh God, that smile.

I'd felt so... safe. It was such a strange feeling. I went through my life nearly always anticipating the next catastrophe; I was always hedging my bets, always planning for the worse outcomes. It... stunted me. I knew it did, I knew it vexed Kim and I knew it was unhealthy. People sensed the cloud of gloom; the intentional pessimism that shielded me from highs and lows...

But with her... with Nell, just for a brief moment...

I'd felt calm, and safe, and... free.

I sighed.

I wondered where she was.

Probably scraping someone else off the floor, I thought, grimmacing. I knew enough to know that you didn't become an EMT if you wanted a quiet life. Not in inner London.

I sipped my tea.

Her eyes had been such a perfect china blue...

No, stop that.

I knew that I was growing restless. My aches and pains were just that, and the lure of the bright May sunshine and a free weekday morning to enjoy it in was growing hard to resist. I checked the weather on my phone, and checked in on work to make sure nobody was looking for me, then made up my mind. I dug out my small, battered knapsack and stuffed some water and antihistamines and my brand new Epipens into it. I added a jumper after a moment's thought.

I pulled on Dad's hand-me-down Canterbury hoodie, and I closed my spartan little flat's door behind me.

It was chilly, even with the bright sun. I pulled the sleeves of Dad's hoodie down over my hands. The world was bustling; squadrons of pensioners were taking their morning constitutionals, and yummy mummies were out and about with their weaponised prams. I knew the Arsenal gardens would be busy, but I suspected I'd still be able to find a sheltered nook somewhere on the north side.

I stepped through the gates, and into the carefully-husbanded patch of greenery shoe-horned into this part of London's ubiquitous grey.

I wound my way along the winding paths, staring up at the fresh buds that were starting to show on all the trees above me.

Life was busy everywhere.

I thought about Nell's words, her hint that I'd almost... not made it. I rubbed at my arms, chilled by the finality of that thought.

The nurses, I suddenly thought. I should take the ICU nurses some chocolates or something to say thank you. The news was always so full of stories about how overworked they were, the long hours, the awful conditions... Yes. I'd do that. Chocolates, and a nice card or something.

Perhaps I could leave something for Nell, too... something small that she could enjoy in a break between rescue missions.

Perhaps she'd smile. I hoped she would.

Her gorgeous eyes flashed to the forefront of my memory again; her beautiful lips and the cuve of her grin.

I sighed again.

I knew I had a bad case of hero worship. Best I could do was try to let it pass. I'd never see her again, anyway. And she was totally out of my league, and likely straight just in case the world needed one more way to add insult to injury...