Sometimes I'm still ashamed.

Sometimes I'm still ashamed.

Ashamed of what I say here
and the things I admit to wanting,
or even ashamed of how wet I get
hen I touch myself to all these filthy things.

things that would have shocked me just a year ago
I wonder what's wrong with me.
Why do I get so wet when I come here
and see what's said to me.

Why does it make me smile and squirm to admit
that I just want to be called names and treated like a toy?

Sometimes I step away from this site
and I tell myself that I should be ashamed.
That there is no reason for me
to be acting the way I am.

That any girl with half a brain
and an inkling of self-respect
would be able to see this isn't good for her.
I try to stay away and keep myself busy or distracted.
I concentrate on work, I workout or do more yoga
I'll call friends to see how they are...

But then I sort of feel myself slipping
and I start to wonder what I was so upset about
and I try to remember what the "big deal" was.
Why am I being so prude? it's just porn an fantasy...

So I come back to see what's here,
and see what's been said,
and I realize that even before I do that
I'd already known I was going to, deep down.

I realize I'd just been lying to myself.
I realize I really DO like to be called names,
and I feel how wet it makes me to admit that,
despite all my self-doubt
and half-hearted attempts at "self-respect",
I'm really just a silly, dumb, needy little slut at heart.

I touch myself to the things
that used to surprise me,
and I admit to the things that I ache for
just below the surface of the good girl I am around others.

Sometimes I'm still ashamed,
but I don't know how much longer that'll last.