Facing Fiona

What follows may sound like the ramblings of a mad-man but to counter any conclusions you, the reader, may have, I will say that my blog entries have always been and will continue to be totally open and honest and occasionally frank, direct and explicit. This entry is most definitely anchored on openness and honesty.

For the best part of 20 years, Fiona - my alter-ego - has only ever existed deep within and plays a major part in my life but she has always looked through my own eyes. Sometimes, she runs riot and at other times, she is suppressed, takes a break, and/or does not have the same need to assert control, but however she is, she is an ever present in my life.

But I have never seen her. I have never had an idea of what she looks like -- until last night when she not so much stared, but instead, looked lovingly right back at me. I should explain.

My sexuality is, admittedly, back at a particularly heightened level. More body confident, quite well (but not totally) body-waxed smooth (don't start me on my body consciousness), additionally, although She is of course, an ever present in my life, I am particularly thrilled and motivated by Mistress' return to a definitively more front and centre role in my kink world which thrills me immensely.

Warmer seasonal temperatures mean I sleep naked and feel more generally stimulated as a result. I moisturise my body in a constant battle to be as well presented as possible -- a battle I often drift towards the losing side of -- and with an almost constant participation in so many aspects of my kink social media sides, it is no wonder that my sleep state is now being populated by elements of my thoughts of the waking day.

I've certainly dreamt about instances of being crossdressed before, i.e., usually situations where you're not totally in control or in any control, exposed and trying to hide away but failing despite desperately persisting. and in situations very much juxtaposed by the predicament I'm in. Just the other week, for example, I dreamt I was trying to hide a bag of lingerie away whilst in an exposed, open environment, but everything was just so heavy and it was one hell of an effort to try and stuff it in the bag. I've not over analysed what that dream was trying to tell me -- I've just let it slide.

Last night though, has left me in constant thoughts about a couple of key moments. Of course, once you awaken, key elements of dreams can quickly disappear from your mindset but others remain. What I do remember -- albeit only a few hours since I woke up was the close up full face of a woman looking back at me, comfortingly, lovingly, assuredly, and that woman, I know, was Fiona. This wasn't just 'a' woman, or a fantasy figure perhaps -- I knew at that very moment that this was a female version of me -- it was clear -- it was Fiona.

Fiona has dark brown shoulder length wavy hair, Like me, she has glasses although I didn't look at these to see what design they were. For quite some time, she looked back at me through her (like me) blue eyes, with a beautifully fully made up face including red lipstick and subtle powder pale blue eyelids which I became particularly focused upon.

The pause in the dream state seemed to go on for quite a few seconds, as if the 'pause' button had been pressed just long enough by her -- or whoever -- for me to save specific information to file, just enough for me to remember her, picture her, and most importantly of all, recall her now.

After that undetermined but fairly lengthy period of time to look at each other, that previously referred 'pause' button was pressed again to resume the story in which I was seeing through Fiona's eyes.

I felt happy, contented, settled and most importantly, acknowledged and understood. The people I was with -- I don't know who they were -- were only known as people I knew -- friends and close acquaintances of some sort -- and they were heard to openly celebrate and verbalise what was, to them, clearly a massive transformation into being Fiona from the male they knew me as -- I was transgender in that moment.

We were walking somewhere doing something and going somewhere, but again, the detail either wasn't there in the first place or can no longer be recalled post dream-state because of the focus on being Fiona per se. The feelings that I had in being Fiona in that moment, were and remain indescribable though.

I should add that I have had and still do not have any wish to transition (nor is it practical anyway) but someone close to me has transitioned M to F and I have seen the impact it has historically had around me and my inner circles, so perhaps my inner psyche is clearly reflecting back off that somehow.

Dreams continue and ultimately, change and then end.

I remember other later aspects of the dream then resetting and of me being back as the regular me, as if somewhere, somehow, I had been given enough information and experience in that dream state. I was back as me around others in the dream, perhaps friends, colleagues and others, but again, I have no knowledge of who they were, only that I was safe in their company.

One of the final things in the dream before I woke, was of me dashing to a toilet somewhere open and probably public in my crossdressed state, and in one of my favourite lingerie outfits, undoubtedly dashing off to hide, adjust and avoid being in a situation where I felt I could be exposed and outed from my closet.

In my awakened state, I know that was another warning to remain as discreet, careful, measured, controlled and aware of the risks and everything that I hold dear that I would undoubtedly fully lose. It is Fiona that I thank for that. I see her. I hear her and clearly, I AM her.